Ryan changed my life... yet somehow that feels like an understatement. He didn’t just change me; he completed me for a short period of my life that felt like it could last forever. For just one insignificant year of time, I created some of the most important experiences and memories of my young life with him. As difficult as it was, because of him I finally let myself believe that someone could love me romantically in the most infinite way possible. Ry taught me so many things. For starters, love is sacrifice. I think that is the first thing I will think of whenever he is on my mind, which is still all too often. He demonstrated just how important action is in expressing feeling and although I am still learning how to practice this, I would like to think that I am getting better at it. That’s not to say that words were not important. Sometimes, I would try to fall asleep while we were watching a movie and just as I began to drift in and out of consciousness I would hear him whisper something. Usually a “Meg?”, and then following my lack of response something silent and wonderful that glided from his lips to my ear. My favorite was “I want to spend my life with you”. Talk about the words a girl wants to hear. Funny thing is I think he really meant it. But God had other plans for us. Ry was different from anyone I had ever met before. He’ll probably never know this but I fell for that boy the moment I met him. After our first time alone together I told one of my best friends that I was going to do everything possible to make him notice me and that if I wasn’t already in love with him, I would be by the end of that summer. Crazy how they say “You just know”, but it’s true. And I knew. I knew that unlike any other guy I had spent time with, Ryan was all about adventure. To this day I am unsure of how he did so, but he consistently found amazing sites and experiences for us throughout the bland towns nearby. He didn’t waste time watching television or sleeping in late, partially because he couldn’t stay in one place for more than a few minutes and partly because of his curiosity for a world outside of his home. He did something no other guy has done for me; he made me fall in love. What a different and surprisingly fulfilling feeling it was, to love and be loved in that way. Part of me tells myself that I will never feel it again because it was so wonderful at the time, that maybe I was only meant to feel it that intensely once. But I am not sure if that part is my head attempting to make logical sense in my faith life, or my heart resisting the knowledge that it will heal if I let it. Either way, I am presently bordered against my emotions. On the one hand, I have every insecure feeling that a girl my age should feel; that he regrets anything regarding us, that he will move on, that he has moved on, that our goodbye was not the temporary farewell I so hoped it would be, but a more absolute understanding that maybe I was not made for him. But more recently a hopeful side of my emotion has sprung forth. One bringing an appreciation for the experience I got to have in our relationship, with the knowledge I gained from it, about not just love but about myself and my faith. I can’t tell which I like more, the thought of being a heart-broken musician using her sensitive words and crooning melodies to remind him of a place in the past, or the thought of finally letting myself let go and giving him what he deserves, a new life without me. It will be a long time if ever, before I am able to offer myself the forgiveness that he gave me before he left. My memories of being inadequate, selfish, insensitive, and unable haunt my thoughts, since I rarely dream. But I find my strength in the Lord. I may have to let go of Ryan, but grace will never let go of me. That is the only reason my tears finally stopped falling. It is the reason I am back to eating my favorite foods and listening to the songs that meant so much to me when I had someone to share them with. My prayers told me to stop giving all my love to Ryan and start giving it to Christ. And when I finally did, I found the inspiration I had been longing for in my music. My voice became an open book, my piano an avenue to walk. The words I could never find when I was face-to-face with such an intimidatingly impressive person effortlessly filled the pages. I found myself in what I discovered was my artistic style and I redirected my focus into what I was sure of. Ryan changed my life but I am living it.
