Switchfoot sums it up.

"Souvenirs"

here’s to the twilight
here’s to the memories
these are my souvenirs
my mental pictures of everything
Here’s to the late nights
here’s to the firelight
these are my souvenirs
my souvenirs

I close my eyes and go back in time
I can see you smiling, you’re so alive
we were so young, we had no fear
we were so young, we had no idea
that life was just happening
life was just happening

here’s to your bright eyes
shining like fireflies
these are my souvenirs
the memory of a lifetime
we were wide-eyed with everything
everything around us
we were enlightened by everything
everything

So I close my eyes and go back in time
I can see you smiling, you’re so alive
I close my eyes and go back in time
you were just a child then, and so was I
we were so young, we had no fear
we were so young, we had no idea
that nothing lasts forever
nothing lasts forever
nothing lasts
nothing lasts
you and me together
were always now or never

can you hear me?
can you hear me?
I close my eyes and go back in time
I can see you smiling, you’re so alive
I close my eyes and go back in time
you were wide-eyed, you were wide-eyed
we were so young, we had no fear
we were so young, we had just begun
a song we knew, but had never sung
it burned like fire inside our lungs
and life was just happening (nothing lasts, nothing lasts forever)
and life was just happening (nothing lasts, nothing lasts forever)
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
my souvenirs.

Anything is possible.

My friends often make fun of the extreme optimism that I tend to shove on to everyone I know or meet. Often times I have been teased for over-using one of my favorite and most cliche quotes, that "anything is possible if you just believe". That, or someone will just counter my efforts to be encouraging with a sarcastic remark, but as I learn more and more about the love of God and the power that He holds, I realize that no matter how many people try to pull down a person's optimism, the truth still remains that all things are possible.
Pretty much everyone who knows me these days knows that I absolutely adore the youth that I work with. I have been blessed to be a youth leader at my church for the past two years, but it wasn't until just last summer that I realized how incredible and important they are to me. I find my optimistic self challenged by the hardships they face, questioned by the blunt innocence they possess and even more surrounded by the love of God then I was before they were in my life. They exhaust me physically and emotionally, but in the best kind of way. And every time they talk to me about something they are going through, or if there is just a lull in our conversation, I happily share my "go to" Bible verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phillipians 4:13). At first, it was just an easy one to remember and seemed to fit my glass half full kind of personality, but as I use it more and more I am beginning to discover just how powerful those words are. Maybe it is the books I have been reading in the past year (like Radical and Kisses Fom Katie), but with the belief in an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God is it really that far-fetched to believe that anything is possible? Or even more, is it so crazy to actually expect the impossible?
What if those old miracles that we read about, like Moses parting the Red Sea and Noah building an arc or maybe a mere human walking on water are still happening today? What if the reason we don't see miracles all the time is not because they aren't happening, but because we are too distracted to be aware of them?
That was too many questions, I know so I want to share a part of what makes me so certain that anything is possible.
If anyone has read any of my posts on this blog, I think it is pretty clear that I had my heart broken once. I talk a lot about the healing process and my mission trip a few months after it happened, when God used a beautiful brown face to show me that His grace would never let me go, but I rarely talk abut the time before that, the time when I wasn't as joyful as I usually am.
I am blessed in that I never went through a depressive stage during my middle or high school years. It's sad that I even have to say that, but I know that so many young girls and guys fall in to that temptation early on. I am also blessed that even though I felt like I was depressed that first month after he was out of my life, God didn't give up on me and the joy that I was trying to hide. It went something like this... Wake up. Drink coffee. Ignore my stomach rumbling for some food (I was also convinced that not eating and somehow getting thinner would help the situation, which it didn't and did not happen). Go to work (I was doing temporary part-time, mind-numbing office work for a construction company). Come home. Avoid talking too much to my family. Avoid smiling. Avoid any ounce of patience for the people that cared about me. Eat something (even trying to starve myself wouldn't stop my love of food). Spend time alone in my room, probably checking Facebook to figure out what he was doing or who he was with. Shower and go to sleep.
I look back now and wish that someone would have just shaken me out of it, told me the things that I tell my youth kids now, maybe even thrown some optimism in my face, but that was not God's plan at the time. The truth is, I stayed like that for a month, faking any smile to keep my parents from suspecting my unhappiness. It wasn't until I started school that fall, met new friends and fell into the routine of a student that I started to remember what it felt like to love life. Slowly but surely I spent more time with people, each one struggling with their own trials. I stopped letting myself think that life was unfair and horrible and that I would never be happy again. I said no to the temptation of forgetting to have faith and just as God does, He made His presence known in a way that restored my hope. Maybe this story isn't grand enough to be placed next to Moses parting the Red Sea, but when I reflect on each minute detail of that time in my life; the people I met and the stories they shared, each one expressing their passions in a different way and giving me the exact words I needed to hear
to live that day with a little bit of joy in my heart, I know that God gave me a miracle in healing me of my heart break.
I am only eighteen (and a half!) but my life has come way too "full circle" to not trust that God is in control of my life. As I watch young adults struggle with a lot of the things I faced last year, I try to encourage them to appreciate the blessings in their life and to seek after the loving perspective that God has when He looks at this world. I have learned that it isn't just about being optimistic. It's about recognizing that anything is truly possible. Whether it be walking on water or just getting over a first love, God is there for it all and nothing is too big or too small for His love. Sometimes it is hard to see past the hurt that is right in front of us, but Jesus Christ gave his life to give us ours. That, if nothing else, is something to rejoice in.

March 12

Today is your birthday.
A spring baby with the temper of a Leo, bound to be broken.

I wash my hands again, one drop at a time cleansing each fingertip.
A blank envelope lies in the back of my closet.
I close the door so your promise is real.
My faithfulness unfolds one centimeter at a time.
I can feel you just inches away
settled in my routine, but
this time is different.

This time, I forget to apologize for speaking up in front of your best friend.
Silence is your solution and I am left deaf with disappointment. This time,
I can’t recall the warmth of your touch
apologetically brushing the outside of my thigh,
always under a table. This time when I blink,
I lose a little bit of you.

You’re a child lost in thought, spinning my focus as you lead me
away from everything I am sure of.
We wander among the out-of-state license plates,
making stops at every park we come across,
resting tired bones on blue swings, the inertia
carving out our bodies as you slowly pick up my hand and rest
your shoulder against mine.

4 months later, I memorize every imperfection on your face,
knowing it will dissolve.
My smile fails to conceal just how much I want you.
You start picking fights like the sun burnt skin that won’t relent but I am numb,
permanently missing everything we were.
You leave 3 thousand miles between us and I run in circles this time.

I can’t wait for you to change.

What I miss the most: that voice, every crack it carries,
the pale eyes that found another face as I let go of forever to fall in love.
We watched every memory fade into an empty plot and I hurt you,
possibly harder than before.

I know that my heart will heal
if I let it,
but I can’t undo you. I am lonely,
not alone.

A Sweet Tooth for Sadie

Sticky and sweet were our younger years. With a spade in hand, I fearlessly ran through life. No fire ant too tough to take us and no distance far enough to say goodbye. You were a sweet tooth and I had a friend.

I collected attention as you gathered cards off the floor, picking up a mess without a sound. We ran to the kitchen, flying for the last blue Otter Pop. It dripped down my arm and you cried while I reached for a napkin.

We waved at the man whispering to the July shore. He did not smile back.

Perhaps he lacked the same appetite, or maybe just let his eyes close for that imperative moment.

Either way we continued.

A single drop of sweat ran down my leg as we raced our shadows past the water’s edge. I saw a white flag floating atop a crooked crest of sand, and I knew we were alive in that tender, breathless moment.

But time rolled over and our faces thinned.  A summer heart break left you dry.

We found chocolate in a hidden drawer. The soft sound of chewing comforted us as I tucked you in.

Thankful. So incredibly thankful.

It is all too socially acceptable for me to make a list of things I am thankful for on this day set aside to do that which we should do every day of our lives, yet I have a feeling that is exactly what this post will turn into. In reality, I should praise God with thanks in all things, and I am well aware that I fall short of this every day of my life. But I am glad for this day, and the togetherness it brings about for people. Not only was I blessed to break bread and share fellowship with loved ones, but I had the opportunity to rest and spend an entire day doing the things I almost never do anymore; running, relaxing, playing board games with family, thinking without stressing, and eating way too many cookies (I still manage to do that one all the time). I feel overwhelmed as I sit here and reflect on the past year of my life. Overwhelmed with thankfulness, joy and satisfaction in the blessings that have found their way into my life. The past ten months or so have held some of my most precious memories with some of the most precious people to my heart. Learning, love, heartbreak, healing, and a growing relationship with the God I love have kept me going, and taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know. I finally found my place with a clear vision of what I want my career to be, and feel like my school is the environment I want to shape myself in as a musician. But even with that in mind, I am extremely excited and blessed to have the opportunity to start visiting schools to transfer to. I have had my heart set on the East Coast for quite some time and will visit those schools this next week in their freezing cold conditions!, but I know that God will lead me to wherever He wants me, even if that means staying here in California. One of the most prevalent things I am grateful for today and every day, is my role as a youth leader at my church. I can not even begin to accurately describe how much those kids mean to me so I will not attempt to let the words I type fail me. I will just say that I never want to take the perspective that I experience through the eyes of those kids for granted; it has shown me more than I will ever be able to give them. And of course, I am forever grateful for God's grace, which brought me into the arms of my very own Grace, along with the other girls at the Providence Children's Home in Kenya this past summer. I still think about them every day and am extremely comforted by the reports we get every few months to update us on the health and progress of the girls. At the perfect timing, in a perfect way God used that mission to show me where my heart was and where it needed to be. That's not something a person can forget, and I constantly remind myself of just how amazing He is for giving me that experience when He did. I have also discovered an overwhelming amount of encouragement in the past few months, with new friends and encounters that have really pushed me to grow in my faith and contributed to my own walk to have a Christ-centered life, which seems to be not less challenging but even more humbling with these people in my life. I am constantly amazed at the wonderful people I have met and inspired to be a better person myself because of them. My faith community could not be left out of this post as well. With my new calling as an elder and the relationships I am building through that responsibility, I am constantly reminded of what it means to be dedicated children of God. Faith, family, friends, food, and fun. The list could and should go on forever. I pray that others have experienced similar joys but that even if they have not, they can still see the blessings they have in their lives. God is so good to us and with that in mind, the challenge presents itself; to be satisfied. To lift up His name with praise and thanks in every situation, whether it be "good" or "bad" because if we trust Him and put our whole lives in His hands, He will bring us to exactly where we need to be.

One of those "God stories"

This story is told purely as a witness to the amazing power of the one and only God that created us. It is my account of the first experience in my life when I remember strongly feeling the Holy Spirit move me to see, hear and feel the amazing love of God. At a time in my life when it would have been easy to stray from where I know God wanted me to be, He provided the direction and guidance to keep me set on a certain path; His path. Pushing aside all other aspirations, this experience opened my eyes to the only thing I truly desire in my life, and that is to be with Jesus. And when you realize something that powerful, you can't help but want to share it with others. I pray that if people read this story they know that God works in many mysterious ways. Just because you may not see yourself standing in front of Him does not mean He is absent in your life, for God is always present.

Two years ago I went on a Confirmation Retreat with my youth pastor Reece and a few other members and kids from my church. While we were there, in one of our prayer exercises Reece read verses from John chapter 1 to tell a story, to challenge us to imagine that we were walking with Christ and to be silent and form our own response to the scripture. So we closed our eyes and Reece read....

Again, the next day, John stood with two of his disciples. And looking at Jesus as He walked, he said, “Behold the lamb of God!” The two disciples heard him speak, and they followed Jesus. Then Jesus turned, and seeing them following, said to them, “What do you seek?”

That night when we had some time to be with ourselves and with God I wrote down my own reflection. This was my exact response... even though it pains me not to make any corrections.

October 22, 2010

“I felt God. I felt like I was with Him, like He was standing right in front of me. And when He asked me what I wanted, I knew the answer right away. I am surprised at how sure of myself I was. I am. I want to be with Jesus. I want to walk with Him and love Him forever. I want nothing more than to know Him and for the first time I believe myself. I truly believe that my heart’s deepest desire is to walk with Him. I’ve never felt so sure of what I want in life. I want to feel like this every time I pray, like Jesus is standing in front of me welcoming me to follow Him. I know that this won’t be how I feel every single time I pray to Him but now I know how real my love for Him is. It’s not just something I say to people, it’s something I feel with undoubted certainty. I love Jesus and want nothing more than to follow Him. This is my purpose; my calling: to dedicate my life to following Jesus and walking in His light. I have faith in Him, that He will show me the ways to go and lead others and I can’t wait to share my experience with others. I felt Jesus. I felt Him inside of me. He is real. This is real. The love I have for Him is real. Amen.”

When you encounter the love of God, your life is never the same. 

"Come Ready and See Me" by James Purdy and Richard Hundley

My first attempt at a text preparation before performing a piece. I should really do this more often...

Although I play a part in this story I feel that my true call is to tell it. I could share insignificant details about my own character and upbringing but instead, I will tell you exactly why I am in this very moment holding this cold cup of coffee here and now. The best part is it all has to do with him. October fell on a Tuesday the afternoon I met him. Quite like the romantic comedy involving a smart and witty school girl falling heels over head for a charming musician from afar, we bumped shoulders in a coffee shop somewhere in Brooklyn. A casual collision to him and a monumental moment for me, he quickly apologized as I attempted to hide my reaction to the first touch that ever made my heart skip a beat. As if his unpolished look wasn’t enough to make my palms sweat, the thick accent that danced between his teeth caught my breath as he asked me if I was all right. Unable to form my own dialect I nodded as he casually offered to hold my books while I dabbed the latte that was hopelessly sinking into my skin. Poking fun at my intellectual choice of reading Paulo Coelho that morning, he revealed the simplest laugh I had ever heard with a dimple to make it concrete. Through glossy eyes I got to experience that laugh three more times as the coffee faded cold in our hands. A few more jokes and a handful of light-eyed winks later I was his and for some odd reason, he was mine. Hours, days, weeks, months. It all blends together now as I sit here holding the same cup of coffee. He was everything I thought he would be. Bold, inspiring and magnetic, he gave my patterned life new meaning and as quick as he entered it, he left. With a fallen family member and being unable to find work in the States, he went back home leaving me a promise that he would return when he was no longer broken and in the same way he appeared, on an October Tuesday in a coffee shop. While life passes, time stands still for the lonely. My family worries, saying that it is natural but unhealthy to remain “hung up” on your first love. I guess some people think it is strange to spend every single Tuesday afternoon sitting silently in a coffee shop until your drink becomes too cold to taste. I used to read, but then I finished my books and lacked the energy it took to find more. It’s funny how draining it is to use only your mind. Now I just sit thinking about him. Remembering the lines across his cheek from an argument he could not win, the circles under his eyes because he refused to sleep, even the melodies he whispered in my ear every time I asked him to stop singing, I wallow in my longing for his presence. October has almost come and gone again and I realize that even if I am willing to wait forever, I can’t. I sing the same sad song fully knowing that waiting has taken up a good portion of my life on this Earth and I can only hope that it will be worth it when he finally arrives. How I yearn for that fall afternoon. The coffee shop encounter will come. He will come. He has to.